Limits to Intimacy? 1. An Invitation

When I was in my twenties and engaged to be married, I ran across an article entitled “Are There Limits to Intimacy.”  I confess that I was intrigued by the question because, in my naïve state of mind, I was thinking of “intimacy” only in terms of sexual intimacy.  The article did touch on sexuality in marriage, but the author focused mainly on the deeper question of what fosters intimacy in any relationship—friendship, sibling, marriage, etc. 

Why the ”Intimacy Question”?
During our 55 years together, Abby and I have been blessed in our marriage and family, and in relationships with our friends. Still from time to time, the topic of “limits to intimacy” arises in our conversation, especially when we have disagreements that can jiggle our calm, or when we read the disturbing statistics about the state of relationships in our current culture.

In spite of access to social media, video calling, transportation, and loads of amusements, increasing numbers of people report feelings of isolation and loneliness.  A Harvard University survey of American adults this past Spring reported that 21% of adults in the U.S. feel lonely, with many respondents feeling disconnected from friends, family, and/or the world. They identified various factors that contribute to loneliness, as well as personal and community solutions. The data also suggest that underneath loneliness may be a troubling brew of feelings, including anxiety, depression, and a lack of meaning and purpose. 

The Harvard study is not alone in revealing the extent of loneliness in our culture.  Therefore, the question, “Are there limits to intimacy?” becomes even more relevant.  Most of us who value relationships with other people would naturally be interested in this question.  Whether in our marriages or in our friendships with others, we want close relationships that grow and endure the test of time in spite of our sinful natures.

If there are limits to intimacy, and it is obvious there are, what are they, and how can minimizing or eliminating them produce closer, more fulfilling relationships?  If you are still reading, we will assume you are already asking these questions and thinking of some answers from your experiences.  Therefore, our approach will be to define what is meant by “intimacy” and then to raise some questions we have been asking about “limits to intimacy.”  Finally, we will invite you to share your perspectives based on your faith and experiences by using the “Comments” link.

“Intimacy” Defined
As noted earlier, intimacy is often defined within the context of sexual relations, but its meaning is much broader.  As a noun, an intimate can mean a “close friend.”  As an adjective, intimate is used to describe the closeness of a relationship where the word means “inmost, innermost, deepest.”  Taken together, it may be said that intimacy of each member of a relationship requires investment of the whole person in mind, body, and spirit.

Psychologists often define intimacy in terms of four or five types.  For example, Dr. Judy Ho, writing in Psychology Today [Read more HERE.], lists five (5) types of intimacy quoted as follows:

·      Physical intimacy includes physical touch (both sexual and non-sexual) such as intercourse, kissing, hugs, cuddling, sitting close together, or holding hands.

·      Emotional intimacy involves the honest sharing of your thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, and/or dreams, and feeling heard and understood by another person.

·      Intellectual intimacy involves communicating beliefs, viewpoints, and ideas in a way that creates intellectual stimulation, curiosity, interest, and acceptance (despite possibly differing vantage points).

·      Experiential intimacy involves doing something together that creates a shared experience or allows teamwork toward a common goal.

·      Spiritual intimacy involves sharing moments that bring you a sense of awe, wonder, or acknowledgement with something bigger than yourself.

We Invite Your Comments
Below are some questions we have been asking about intimacy in relationships.  Hopefully, they will help you think more deeply about limits to intimacy.  Because we think you will want to respond in some way, here are three options from which you can choose:
1.  Ponder the Questions without commenting.  We hope you will personally gain from it.
2.  Posting Your Comment:  Make your comment(s) as concise as possible, but don’t refrain for fear you will be put down.  Your comments or questions will add important insights for others to read.  You may use your first name, or use “Anonymous.”
3.  Respond Privately:  You may contact us by e-mail using silviusj@gmail.com.  Obviously, we want to respect the privacy all who participate as well as those in our relationships by withholding actual names (or use a fictitious name if you like).

Here are the questions we offer to engage your thinking about intimacy in relationships:

1.  Think of your closest friend.  Is your friendship growing, stable, or stagnating?  What is it that sustains your friendship and helps you to grow closer?  Or, what things currently limit your closeness?  [If your closest friend is your spouse, then your answers will be a bit different but the questions still apply.]

2.  Are there limits to the closeness or intimacy that friends or even spouses can attain?  What are hindrances to establishing intimacy between friends or spouses?

3.  What is the most fundamental ingredient to develop and sustain intimacy in any relationship?  How does a person or relationship develop this ingredient?

4.  Are there situations in a relationship in which we are justified when we decide we must refrain from a certain communication, action, or behavior toward our friend or spouse?  What is an objective source or ethical basis for justifying your decision?

5.  Is it possible to establish an intimate relationship by a social media communication alone?  If not, what elements of a genuine intimate relationship would need to be addressed by other means than social media?  Are there applications we can make from this line of reasoning to address causes of the troubling statistics on loneliness, depression, etc. we cited above?

6.  What role does a person’s spiritual life, faith, and personal worldview play in developing close, intimate relationships with others?  Would you consider the spiritual dimension as a primary or secondary ingredient in developing intimacy in your relationships?

7.  How necessary is intimate self-knowing or self-awareness to our ability to form intimate relationships with another person or persons?  What do you believe is necessary for growing in knowledge of “self?”